I was born old.
Sometime around my twenty-first birthday, my brother-in-law told me he was sure he misunderstood. Surely, I was turning sixty-one, he said.
I think that had something to do with my Louis Armstrong CD, but I'm not 100% sure. My tastes have always leaned more towards Old Grandma's than to those of my peers anyway.
And also, my brother-in-law is at least 10 years older than me, so he'll always be the old one between us.
Also, I'm a bit of a prude. That makes me seem older than I am. I think.
Nonetheless, I am 33.
I think I'm 33. 2012 (year of my last birthday) minus 1979 is 33, right?
I don't think 33 is that old, physically speaking.
In the grand scheme of things, I don't think 33 is even middle-aged, despite this conversation from earlier in the year:
Nonetheless, I have been hearing "That's something that happens as you get older." quite a bit.
I hate those eight words.
Every time I hear them, I pout like a child, just in spite of whomever's just told me that I'm getting older.
That's Something That Happens As You Get Older
- You get blackheads and other blemishes. - I thought blackheads were a teenage problem until recently. I have developed several bumps on my skin that the dermatologist says are buried blackheads (or something equally inane), and that my options are a. leave them alone (her preferred method) or b. have them surgically removed (my preferred method, but since insurance doesn't consider it annoyed me every time I looked in the mirror as a medically necessary procedure, I had to acquiesce to the doctor's preference). I may have attempted to pry one of the offending bumps out of my skin yesterday, leaving a pea-sized wound right between my eyebrows. The bump is still there, and now it's bloody.
- Your skin wrinkles. - I don't have wrinkles because there's plenty of fat under my skin, thank you very much. (So there you have it. Afraid of getting wrinkles? Gain 100 pounds. ha.)
- You give unsolicited advice to strangers (and people you know). - I give unsolicited advice to strangers in stores, because I am quite certain that they wouldn't have been able to figure it out on their own. See also: my husband.
- Your coif is littered with white hairs. - If we ever meet in person, please don't comment on the gorgeous, sparkling highlights in my thick dark hair. They were there in the pictures above, but you couldn't see them because I used to dye my hair. Another thing that happens as you get old is that you stop caring (so much) about all the white hairs and just let them be.
- Your joints creak. - Maybe this is one of those things that happens when fat people get older; I'm not sure. You can let me know. When I've been sitting a while and stand up, my knees and hips creak like an old lady. This has not always been the case, so I assume it's an item for this list.
- You sound like your mother. - I say "Where are your _______ (shoes, pants, underwear, etc) ?!" at least six times a day. Also, "If your sister jumped off a bridge" and "Let me go to the bathroom by myself!" These are all things my mother said when I was young.
- Your tattoos fade. - They say your skin gets thinner as you get older, so that should make tattoos get brighter. It doesn't. Freckles get darker as the years progress, and tattoos fade and get squidgey around the edges.
- Your hair gets thinner. - When I got my hair cut the last time, I complained that my hair had gotten a lot thinner in recent years. "Are you in your thirties?" she asked. "That's just something that happens as you get older," she said. Of course it is. Why didn't I think of that?
- You buy Poise pads. For yourself. - I know not everyone has this, but it's something that happened to me as I got older. I have to wear a Poise pad. all. the. time. The need began when I was about 6 weeks pregnant with Grace, and it has never gone away. Please don't tell me to exercise my musculature; I've already tried that. Apparently, my gynecologist can fix this surgically, but I feel a little funny about having it. Having surgery to avoid Poise pads seems like a vanity thing. (But removing the bumps on my face have nothing at all to do with vanity, so hush about them.)
- You start shrinking. - I am certain that I've shrunk since I was a teenager. I used to be 5'9" and now I'm 5'8". So that also happened as I've gotten older.
- You are embarrassed by memory failures. - I've
neveronly once forgotten one of my kids, but I forget plenty of other stuff. Names? Possibly. Faces? Often. If I ever introduce myself to you for the fourth time, just smile and be polite. I'm not being rude; I'm getting older.