A friend texted me last Tuesday morning at 6:46 am.
"How's ur mom this morning?" she wrote.
Seven hours earlier, I had texted her to cancel our morning art class/playdate. I was rushing to the hospital; my mom had gone into septic shock.
The hours between were a blur of driving, waiting, and crying. I could hardly see my phone, move my fingers, or even breathe. "She is gone" I typed.
She is gone. The words echoed in my brain over and over and over.
She is gone.
She is gone.
There would never be another hug, another smile, another family trip. No more kids tickled, no more stories read, no more cheeks kissed or necks nuzzled.
She was gone.
She had stopped breathing only minutes earlier. Flat lines still buzzed across monitors; leads were still attached to her skin. Her eyes were still open; her skin was still warm. My sister still sat at her bedside, still holding her motionless hand.
Nothing had changed, but nothing was the same.
The moment I had been anticipating and dreading came and went, and I couldn't believe it.
I had been devastated for so long, I thought it couldn't get worse.
It got worse.
Nothing could fix my broken heart, not even the knowledge that she was finally free from pain.
There was no solace, but there was support. Friends gathered around, emailing and texting and calling and sending Facebook messages. My sisters and my grandma cried with me, and the load seemed lighter spread among us.
Planning a funeral is ridiculously expensive and consuming. We spent every minute of every day making arrangements.
The church was peaceful and serene. The flowers were beautiful. The pictures were a perfect reflection of a life well-lived. Everything was bright and colorful and befitted my mother.
Her longtime friend performed the funeral and delivered a short message about her sense of humor and infectious laugh. He started 5 minutes late, homage to a woman who was never on time for anything in her entire life.
My older sister and I witnessed her cremation today, and a portion of her ashes are tucked away in a safe spot in my home.
Disbelief still sits heavy on my chest. I can't believe that I will never see her face or hear her voice again, but I won't.
She is gone.
Southern Angel says
I have been there myself a couple of years ago with my own mother. It still seems surreal. The other night I was listening to the news and they talked about Loretta Lynn's oldest child passing away and my first thought was to call my mom and ask her if she knew. Sending you lots of love and hugs. From one motherless daughter to another.
Tara Ziegmont says
Big hugs. My next post is going to be about the motherless club. It's been rattling around in my brain for a couple of days.
susan says
So, so sorry - words cannot help the pain. I pray for peace and comfort for yourself and for your family, losing your mom is horribly painful and there will always be a little spot aching for her. I lost my mom 7 years ago and I pray you can hang on her memories and find comfort in those in the days to come.
Tara Ziegmont says
Thank you Susan.
Lupi says
So sorry for your loss. I'm praying God's peace over you and your family!
Tara Ziegmont says
Thank you
Leticia- Tech Savvy Mama says
I know there aren't words that can comfort you during this incredibly difficult time but please know that I'm thinking of you, sending all my love, and am never too far away via Skype if you need someone to talk to even in the middle of the night.
Tara Ziegmont says
Thank you Leticia. I've been sleeping pretty well for a change, so don't expect me in the middle of the night. 😉
Valerie C. says
Please accept my sincere condolences. I've been where you are, losing my mom at a young age. Please give yourself time to grieve and I promise it will get easier. I know that ache in your heart. Please take care <3
Tara Ziegmont says
Thank you Valerie. There seem to be a lot of us, with mothers gone too soon. We should have a support group.
Valerie C. says
You're right, maybe we should. In addition to family, friends online can help ease the pain too <3
Amy @ Finer Things says
Oh, Tara! I'm so very sorry for your loss. I can't fathom!
Tara Ziegmont says
Thank you Amy.
Andi @udandi says
So sorry for your loss, thank you for sharing about her.
I was reflecting on meeting you four years ago at BlogHer at the bowling alley when I saw a tweet about your mom. Your family is in my thoughts.
Tara Ziegmont says
God knows what He's doing when He puts someone in our thoughts, doesn't he?
Andi @udandi says
He certainly does 🙂
Allie says
Tara - you have been on my mind and in my heart since I heard of your mom's passing. You give the best hugs and I wish I could give you one back right now , listen to you tell me all about your mom and just sit with you. This post is a beautiful tribute.
love
allie
Tara Ziegmont says
I wish that, too.
ClassyMommy says
Tara - I am so sorry for your loss. Heartbroken for you. Thinking about you and your family during this very difficult time and sending virtual hugs to you all. xoxoxo
Tara Ziegmont says
Thanks Colleen.
Rebecca says
Wish I was there to hug you. No words can ever express - the depth of the loss of a Mom. Love you sweet friend.
Tara Ziegmont says
Me, too. It is so much worse than I ever expected.
Jo-Lynne Shane {Musings of a Housewife} says
I simply can't imagine the heartbreak. I am so sorry, Tara. xo
Tara Ziegmont says
Thank you Jo-Lynne.
Marie d. says
I am so very sorry.
Praying for you and your family.
Tara Ziegmont says
Thank you
Gina says
So sorry to hear your news, Tara. Have had you both on my mind all summer. Sending a hug through the net.
Tara Ziegmont says
Thanks Gina. It's been a very busy and very difficult summer. She got weaker and weaker through June, almost died on July 5, went into the hospital, transferred to a "rehab" center on July 11, then went back to the hospital on the 29th. We never went more than a day without taking the kids to see her, so I did a whole lot of driving and running around and entertaining my girls in the nursing home. I feel like the summer has barely started.
Colleen Kessler says
I'm so sorry, Tara. So sorry. I'm praying hard, and thinking of you often.
Tara Ziegmont says
Thank you Colleen.
Sarah says
So, so sorry for your loss Tara. My thoughts are with you and your family.
Kim Hawkins says
I am sorry for you loss and as usual, words fail me and seem inadequate at times such as this. I pray for your comfort in the coming days and weeks as each new first rolls around that she will be gone. God bless you and yours!
Tara Ziegmont says
Thank you Kim.
Mary says
Sending very deepest sympathy on the loss of your mother. I am so sorry.
Tara Ziegmont says
Thank you Mary.
Melissa {momcomm} says
You've been on my mind lately and I've been praying for your comfort. My dad has been gone almost 2 years. It's a tough road, but you have lots of support which makes dealing with grief a little more bearable. Sending hugs!
Tara Ziegmont says
Thanks Melissa.
Cindy says
I wanted to comment, but what's left to say? I'm just plain sorry. (((hugs)))
Tara Ziegmont says
I'll take your hugs. Thank you.
Liz Williams says
Oh I'm so so sorry to hear this. Will be praying for you and your family. Nothing like our Momma's. I know you will hold her forever in your heart, and keep her memory alive through stories to your children. Hugs!
Tara Ziegmont says
Thanks Liz.