What's the difference between PPD and bipolar disorder? This mom shares signs of being bipolar as she was diagnosed in the postpartum months. She shares what it's really like to be bipolar and how she sought treatment.
Remember when I wrote this?
I have been overwhelmed by my life lately. I'm not sure if it's PPD lingering or if it's overcommitment or a combination, but I am struggling with my new role as a full-time work-at-home-mom of two.
Struggling is the tip of the iceberg, to tell you the truth.
I feel like a fraud.
I confessed that I feel like I'm drowning in commitments, that I'm struggling with time management, that I'm falling apart.
That's what I said, right?
It's what I meant to say.
I am falling apart.
Or I was.
I'm not any more.
For some time, I've been pretending to have PPD.
No, pretending is the wrong word. Pretending would imply some conscious thought, careful planning.
I haven't been pretending. I have been assuming. I've been blaming everything - the irrational anger, the irritability, the fits of hysterical crying, the feeling that I'm drowning, the overwhelming worry about money - on PPD.
PPD, postpartum depression, is simple. It's expected. It's not nice, but it's neat, manageable. People recover from PPD, get over it, get better. There are entire networks of people, kind, thoughtful, normal people, who have experienced PPD and survived and recovered. Become normal again.
Recovered.
Normal.
For the last few months, I have been a tower of cards, teetering, one gentle breeze away from crashing to the ground.
The breeze came. It came on my birthday, when I couldn't get out of bed and wanted to kill myself more than anything.
It came one morning last week, when I found a dead hermit crab I'd worked so hard to save.
It came another morning when I put Allie down and she screamed in frustrated protest and then got poop everywhere as I took off a dirty diaper.
The breeze. Something that had happened many times before without incident, without damage.
A gentle, non-threatening breeze toppled my tower and left me broken, unable even to survey the damage or get up to gather the pieces.
This is not postpartum depression.
I sought help. First my doctor, then a Crisis Center, then a Behavioral Health Center (which really is a euphamism for psychiatric facility).
Now I know. This is bipolar disorder.
This is not something from which I'll recover or get over or move past. This will not go away, but it can be managed.
This is not me. This is not my personality. This is an illness.
This no more defines me than my struggle with weight or headaches or narcolepsy. It is a medical issue, needing to be managed.
I am getting better. I am rebuilding my tower one fragile piece at a time. I'm taking a new medication. I'm attending a partial hospitalization program.
I'm learning.
pammypam says
do you know the bipolar diva? http://www.thebipolardiva.com/ her style is different than yours but she is like you in that she's very open, which i can appreciate.
you are not your disease/illness. you are a person.
MusingsfromMe/Jill says
You are a very brave person. Reaching out for help is the best plan of action. For me, it was asking the pediatrician for a referral to a counselor. I was at my wit's end. One carefully worded and barely audible request was just one step in the direction of getting my life and my family under control. 13 years later, I'm still working on getting life under control. Meds help. Counseling helps. Take care of yourself.
Lara DiPaola says
The first step is often a fall. How we pick ourselves up and put the next foot forward is the measure of our strength. You are NOT broken, us embarking on a deviation in your path. You are stronger than you know. You are more loved and supported than you can imagine. You need not "recover" but will overcome. I am here for you.
Vanderbilt Wife says
I feel for you, Tara. You're talking to the girl who insists on going on anti-depressants before the babies are even born because PPD scares me so much. It's hard to admit that I have plain old Depression, not the postpartum kind but the hide-in-bed, under-a-rock, take-these-children-away kind that I battle quite frequently.
It's so hard to admit that we have problems ... but for the listener it helps to know that others are in the same boat.
Take care of yourself and do what you need to do. Love you.
Jessie
Vanderbilt Wife says
P.S. Seriously, if you need help with the girls, I KNOW my mom would love to take them off your hands for an afternoon or whatever.
Feels Like Home Blog┞¢ says
I could use some help with childcare, if you think she really seriously wants to. I have been relying on just one friend and my in-laws, but this isn't a week-long process. I feel like I'm taking advantage of their kindness.
linda says
so brave of you to post - thoughts and prayers are with you and your family - you'll get there.
Kelly says
Oh Tara. I'm so glad you sought and found help for yourself. It's not an easy step to seek help.
I'm thinking of you and wishing I could help in some way, but hopefully it's enough to know that we're all here surrounding you in light and love.
Jo-Lynne {Musings of a Housewife} says
Tara. I had NO idea you were going through this. I have some experience with this disease - not myself, but a close family member and a friend. I will be praying for you as you learn to manage this. ((hug))
Catherine says
You're in my thoughts Tara.
Robin Dance ~ PENSIEVE says
Oh, Tara...I am so thankful you've uncovered what's a war with your mind and heart! Once you KNOW what you're dealing with, you can treat it! It's SO hard to be honest with yourself; of course we all want to travel the path that's easiest to digest or explain to others.
I know your words here and experience will benefit others; and I can't help but think of it this way, a way I've heard several people express their cancer diagnosis: "I have bi-polar disease but it doesn't have me."
By naming it, you've assumed control.
Much love (and tons of prayer) from me to you :).
xo
Debbie says
Bless you! Praying for you and all those with mental health issues. Thank you for not being silent. Love & Prayers!
Katherine @ Postpartum Progress says
Proud of you. It takes a lot of courage to face what's going on inside and be willing to go and figure out what it is and what to do about it. It's so much easier to ignore it and keep going. Now you know -- you have a name and information and a way forward.
Also, you're not the first person to have a baby and think they have PPD when they have bipolar disorder, so please don't feel bad. It happens fairly regularly, believe it or not.
Feels Like Home Blog┞¢ says
Really?
Katherine @ Postpartum Progress says
Really. I can think of two other ppl aside from you in the last two months. Really.
Heather @ Not a DIY Life says
Hugs, Tara! I need to email you.... 🙂
Charity says
As part of my PPD, it came out that I am most likey bipolar II. I did a treatment called TMS. It has helped greatly, but I am still learning to sort it all out. Thank you for a beautiful post and your wonderful comments to people who are commenting.
Feels Like Home Blog┞¢ says
Thank you. I'm going to google TMS and find out what it's about.
Shannon says
I. love. you. I love your honesty. I love your vulnerability. I love your ability to get help for yourself. I played the "it's just PPD game" for far too long as you know and I'm glad you are breaking the cycle and doing what you need to do to take care of your beautiful, courageous self. I love you. I am here..... any time.
Feels Like Home Blog┞¢ says
Thank you so much, Shannon. I love you, too.
Julie says
What an amazing post. I just adore how honest you are, just as much as I adore you. So glad you are seeking help and medication. SO so glad you are recognizing that there is help in this area.
You're inspiring, Tara.
Also, reading through the comments, the person who offered her mother for help with childcare sounds like a wonderful friend. And it was even more impressive that you said "yes. I need help." Asking for help is so often the hardest part.
Hugs. Love.
Feels Like Home Blog┞¢ says
You are right about that.
Asking for help with this was incredibly hard. And you know what? I didn't really know who to ask or how to get help with this. Isn't that sad? (I don't mean sad in a I'm so pathetic way, but sad in a why don't people know more about this way.) I think I would have gotten help sooner (maybe much sooner) if I had known where to go. Now I do, so if I ever find myself in this situation again, I'll call the Crisis Center. It's good to know.
Amy from Resourceful Mommy says
Tara, you know I love you and I'm praying for you. Always here if you need me.
Feels Like Home Blog┞¢ says
Thanks, friend.
Donna Schumann says
Hi, I'm Vanderbilt Wife's mom. We met at the Harrisburg Mall. I would be more than happy to help with childcare. I'm sure Jessie has told you that I am a very frustrated long-distance nana. I would love to have some little ones to love on. I am currently in Memphis and have company coming this weekend but send me an email and I will give you my phone number and we can work something out.
Feels Like Home Blog┞¢ says
We surely did. You are wonderful to offer, Donna, and I may well take you up on your offer! I hadn't asked up til now because I didn't want to impose, but we would love to spend time with you (babysitting or not, honestly). I'm going to email you my phone number, too. You are welcome to love on my girls any time. 🙂
Barb @ A Life in Balance says
Lots and lots of hugs! I know it's hard to dig deep and write about stuff. I just wrote my 1st honest post about being a mom in all of my 4 years of blogging because I figured if I was going to talk about a balanced life, I ought to be talking about being a mom. However, a longtime reader and friend just didn't get the post and where I was coming from. I'll keep writing however, and I hope you do, too. My hope is that by putting my struggles out there that I may help another mom, that I have gone through what I've gone through so I can help the next person.
Jessica @FoundtheMarbles says
Beautifully said, my friend. So glad to know that you are on the path to recovery and getting the care you deserve.
Feels Like Home Blog┞¢ says
Thank you, Jessica. Thanks for commenting, but more importantly, thank you for encouraging me to get help. I owe you so much.
Lisa @ Crazy Adventures in Parenting says
Love you, sweetheart! Take care of yourself, and do what you need, and we'll be here xoxo
karla porter archer says
i needed to read this for my own reasons. you are so brave and i thank you.
xo
Candice @ Fashionably Organized says
Tara,
As someone who suffers from manic depression, and has survived PPD twice, I can tell you that I've been down that road, sometimes go back down that road, and you are not alone. YOU ARE NOT ALONE!!!!!!! Please know that there are friends, like me, who are here fro you. You will come out the other side feeling like an all new you, and what could be better right? You're awesome, you should know that! Take care of yourself, and remember most of all to forgive yourself, for you did not make this happen. <3
Feels Like Home Blog┞¢ says
I had no idea, Candice. I have been thinking that I couldn't possibly know anyone with this who's managing it successfully. I have been really worried about that, actually. I'm so thankful that you (and several others) have reached out to say that you are in the same boat, and that you're doing just fine. You are awesome, and you've given me so much hope.
anonymous bipolar girl says
I found this post on Twitter. This is very brave and the realization that so many of us come to is not an easy one. I was finally diagnosed in November after years of back and forth, of inexplicable mood shifts, of a whole lifetime wondering why nothing ever stuck, why I always felt ...wrong. You have a long road ahead of you -- It took me some time to find the right medication, and I finally found it and have been relatively stable for over six months now. That drug is lithium, and one I was terrified of at first b/c it has such a terrible reputation, but it's truly incredible, inexpensive, and much less intense than some of the other drugs out there like Abilify.
Anyway, the most important thing for you is to get into a routine and get a lot of sleep. My psychiatrist always tells me I need at least 8-9. Lack of sleep and big changes are what push most people into hypomania or depression. Good luck, and thanks for writing this!
Mary @ Giving Up on Perfect says
Sending you a great big cyber hug and lifting up prayers right now, friend...
Melissa says
{{hugs}} Tara, and love and prayers sent your way!
Robyn Wright says
{{{{{{hugs}}}}}}}
Nikki O says
You are wonderful. To take the steps to find your diagnosis must have been difficult, to receive and accept your diagnosis must have been difficult, and still be hard at times. But to do those things, you have enhanced your life and your family's life. You are wonderful!
Robyn Passante says
I was so sad to read about how much you're struggling, but very happy that you seem to have turned a corner and are on the road to a better place! BIG hugs to you.
Debbie says
I am new to this site and so far, I am loving it! I must say how very brave you are for admitting you are struggling with an illness!!! It shows great strength. Thoughts and prayers are being sent your way as you learn to deal with things and as you care for your sweet children!