Some time ago, my friend Amy wrote a post about her nice voice. (Unfortunately, her blog has been removed from the internet, so you can't read the post.)
In in the comments, I wrote that I am good at giving my nice voice to my girls, but I am awful at letting my husband hear it.
He gets, "I need!" and "Can't you?" and "Don't!" and he deserves so much better.
I know that I am not the only one.
Almost ten years ago, a friend challenged me to write a list of 10 gifts that would show my husband love and respect.
I am sarcastic. I can be critical. Sometimes I mean it; sometimes I don't.
The problem with sarcastic and critical - even when you're joking - is that you start to believe the things you say. Because you said them, after all.
Words are powerful.
I brainstormed gifts I could give to Joe to show him that I respect him.
I thought about showing him that I trust and respect him with our children by going away for a few days, but I'm not sure that's the point.
In the end, I couldn't think of a single gift that would show him respect.
The more I thought about it, I realized that respecting my husband isn't a once a year gift. It's not packaged in pretty paper with a fancy bow. It's a thousand little gestures spread throughout the year.
It's the attitudes and thoughts and behaviors that reflect understanding, admiration, appreciation, and friendship.
10 Ways to Show Respect to Your Husband
- Value your marriage. Spend time giving him your undivided attention. Have fun. Enjoy his company as a human being. Pay attention to his words. Having regular date nights is a must, in my opinion because they give you time to focus on one another and your relationship. If babysitting and time away are an issue, try out one of the at-home date ideas found in The Marriage Builders Toolkit.
- Work on a project with him - without taking over. Joe loves to garden, and he loves to can, and he takes pride in doing both well. He would be honored if I took time out of my hectic schedule to help him while he works. It would show him that I respect him enough to give him a hand. BUT if I take over, it has the opposite effect, crushing his ego and telling him without words that I don't think he can handle the job.
- Give him a break. Joe does so much around the house, and he works a lot of hours (76.5 last week!). He does most of the cooking and most of the clean-up afterwards. He would do anything I asked. On Sunday, I encouraged him to take a nap in the afternoon. I knew he needed some rest, and he woke up feeling so much better. Any husband would love some personal space and privacy - permission and encouragement to do whatever he wants for an hour or two. It shows him that you respect his hobbies and commitments, too.
- Ask his advice. Men like to fix things and solve problems. Asking for his advice shows that I value and respect his perspective, wisdom, and experience.
- Speak well of him to others. This may well be my #1 crime where Joe is concerned. I find it so easy to think and speak ill of him - in jest or seriously. It just rolls off my tongue. Sometimes, I catch it before it comes out my mouth, but still, the thought goes through my brain. I am trying. I need to build up his self-worth; it's so important. For both of us.
I could brag about his achievements instead of highlighting his failures, and that would be a good start. - Write him a love note. Men love romance just as much as women, but few will admit it. Boost your partner's self-esteem by telling him the specific things that you love and appreciate and admire about him. I love these hearts stuck all over the bathroom mirror or on his car. I'm planning to do it for Joe one of these days when he doesn't have to leave for work at 5 am.
- Thank him. Gratitude is sexy, but don't just say "thank you, dear." Thank him for specific things - for taking out the trash, for mowing the lawn, for making a lovely dinner. Thank him often.
- Compliment him. You picked this fella from among all the fellas in your zip code (and beyond), so he must have some good qualities. Tell him what they are.
- Set the mood. You knew this would be on the list, right? Make time for sexual intimacy in your marriage, and your husband will feel respected and valued.
- Keep your big mouth shut. When tempted to criticize or use a harsh word or an unkind tone, just keep your mouth shut. Make sure you're not interrupting when he's speaking. Given the alternative, silence is the respectful choice.
Marriage isn't easy; no one has ever claimed that it was. But it can be easier when both partners feel respected and valued as people and love each other actively. You are worthy of mutual respect and love, but you can only start by taking care of your side of the street. Make the road to respect start with you, today.
GAHCindy says
I'm getting pretty good at keeping my mouth shut. :0) I actually don't have a problem in this area (not too much, anyway. I'm human.) My big problem is with my kids. I really need to be a little gentler with my words to them. Their dad earned my respect a long time ago. Now it's just a matter of not forgetting who I'm talking to, which is easy, most of the time.
Tara @ Feels Like Home says
You know, that's exactly what Amy's post was about. Isn't it ironic how so many of us are short to one or the other?
KaleeMarie says
This is an excellent list!
Tara @ Feels Like Home says
Thanks 🙂
teemact says
Love your list, especially #10! Visiting today from Top Ten Tuesday.Â
Tara @ Feels Like Home says
Thank you!
Tara @ Feels Like Home says
Oh, Phoebe! That's good. I'm going to have to write that down and post it. Maybe if I read it A LOT I will remember it.
Tara @ Feels Like Home says
I know! I wish I could change it. I try so hard, but then sometimes my trying blows up in my face when I blow up in his. 🙁
Tara @ Feels Like Home says
You are a wise woman, Nony. I haven't quite wrapped my head around the fact that it's not all about me.
Amanda says
I have to say, I was initially sceptical when I read this post. I am very strong woman and so often I see my friends (both "real" and blogger) talking about respecting (though it feels more like obeying) their husbands without respecting themselves. I am SO GLAD I read beyond the title of this post. What you say rings very true for me. It is not about respecting your husband as you would a parent, but instead respecting him as a partner just as I hope he respects me. It sounds like you have an amazing husband, and thanks for sharing. I am printing this list for myself :)Â
Tara @ Feels Like Home says
YES! I am so glad you read and so glad you commented. I do have a wonderful husband. I am also very strong and independent; he is more of a follower. I think we are respecting each other's natural gifts in the way we operate as a married couple.
That said, I need to work on being more respectful of him as a human being becauseI'm more respectful of others than I am of him.
Katie says
 Thanks for sharing, I would love to read more posts on this topic! It is so important that our husbands feel respected and I feel we will feel more honored if we can muster more respect. I have trouble keeping my mouth shut and saying thanks in a really meaningful specific way.Â
Tara @ Feels Like Home says
The other bloggers I mentioned and myself will post every Tuesday between now and Father's Day, so there's more to come! They're all about honoring fathers.
Tara @ Feels Like Home says
The other bloggers I mentioned and myself will post every Tuesday between now and Father's Day, so there's more to come! They're all about honoring fathers.
Gina Badalaty says
Thank you for sharing this! I try to work on this, but just before this weekend, my husband was hurt and angry that I didn't respect him...because I didn't trust him with some things. EYE opening! I'm going to join, as I think this is a critical topic! Way too many people around me are divorced or getting divorced, and I think that too many spouses think it's in the other person's court! It's only our own behavior we can change...
Tara @ Feels Like Home says
That's exactly right. The only person I can change is myself.
Tara @ Feels Like Home says
I was looking for this book on Amazon, and I found a couple of versions. The Help Meet Journey (http://amzn.to/iisAei) looks really good; it's the companion workbook/study guide/journal for the main book (http://amzn.to/jfeJ1P). Have you seen the journal? I wonder if it might be as useful or even more than the primary book.
Darlene Schacht says
 One of my favorites is "Speak well of him to others." That is such an awesome way of honoring him when he is present or when he is absent. I love it!
Darlene Schacht says
 One of my favorites is "Speak well of him to others." That is such an awesome way of honoring him when he is present or when he is absent. I love i
Mama Bear says
Another good thing to do is never assume you know why your husband does something bizarre...chances are, there's a logical thought pattern buried deep within him that makes 100% sense. Â Communication can really help uncover that....
Christi Colletti says
Tara, check out the book, Love and Respect by Dr. Emerson Eggerichs. It's a life changing book on the topic of the respect a man desperately needs and the love a woman desires. All based on gods plan for marriage.
Tara Ziegmont says
Hi Christi,
Thanks for taking the time to comment. I have read Love and Respect and got a lot out of it. More recently though, an author I really respect (Sheila Wray Gregoire) has come out against the book because of the way it degrades women. I would never recommend it. You can take a look at her commentary at https://tolovehonorandvacuum.com/2019/01/love-and-respect-why-unconditional-respect-cant-work/.
Becca says
Love that book! Absolutely great and hits on how he feels and how his wife feels perfectly!
Elizabeth Aluka says
How do o keep my mouth shout without increasing annoying